A strong theory is better than miracles.


Philosophizing introduction

We are scientists, you see;
we want accuracy,

Do you really think
that we wouldn't like to have miracles
once in a while?
Wouldn't we like to have or to be
oracles, witches, prophets?
Wouldn't we like to see or to be
someone flying whenever she wants to
or someone walking on the sea?

But you should understand
that even a freshman attends around a hundred experiments,
and imagine how many
we have attended and performed.
Don't you see
that we made experiments
because we looked for miracles?
Don't you see
that we stopped looking for miracles
because it is fucking frustrating
to see scientific predictions reproved
every single time?

We do not look for miracles anymore,
it is disappointing and depressing.
We have by now
a much stronger understanding.

Actual discussion

when you tell me
that you are attracted by me,
which in no way fits to the theory;
you must understand
(and thus not laugh at)
how terrifying,
how horrifying,
yet how amazing
this is for me;
you must understand
my preoccupation,
my panic,
and my disorientation.

All the data should be rechecked,
all the results should be controlled.

Scientific skepticism must overrule
scientific confidence must
overcome the arbitrary.


Because always
- as in our case -
reality proves the theory,
and your hypothetical emotions
betray their believers
(such as me).

Theory tested once more,
miraculousness tested once more.
Cold rationality, once more,
overrules the wonderland.

Back to real life,
back to where we started;
egocentricism restored,
arrogance re-established.

Bankruptcy and Bail-out


Bankruptcy – the sleep

I had a nightmare the other night, a nightmare that had a bizarre extension in real life:

Everything in my life collides. I have assignments of courses; a strange friendship to decide upon; homeworks from my language class; workshops to prepare and conduct; an unstable friendship to form; a beloved one to appreciate; a huge exam to get prepared to. It is one of those nightmares where everything happens at the same time and you try to catch and you fail and you suddenly realize that there is more and you are in panic and nothing works fine and it never gets any better and thus you fail better. It is not that these things happen in consecutive nightmares; it is a single nightmare. It is an unending nightmare, there is no way out, there are no breaks, no pauses, nothing. It gets harder and harder, panic growing geometrically.

At 5 am, I wake up by police sirens and shouting. I go to the window, look at the street, and see two cars on the road – one police car and one civilian car. The doors open. It is one of those American movie scenes: The cops hold a man on the ground, putting him in handcuffs. Sirens continue. Cops are shouting at the man. I notice other neighbors at the windows. Without the ridiculous noise, it could be considered as a rather calm scene.

I lack the energy for curiosity.

I get back to bed, try to fall asleep which I manage in 20 minutes. Then the nightmare continues as if nothing happened.

Bail-out – the reality

Therefore, I solve my problems by outsourcing them. I become an emotional Robin Hood: I take positive vibes from those who are nice and helpful to me, and consume them with those who simply don't give a shit about me.

Such an exploitation, if done sincerely enough, can be considered non-unethical to a certain degree. Or at least, I convince myself to that.

There is no limit to rationalizing stupid behavior. There is no limit to finding excuses for mistakes. There is no limit to rationalizing wrong choices. There is no limit to finding excuses for bad intentions.

I halt. I breathe. I consider. I evaluate. And I continue – business as usual. There is no way out, because there is no way in.


I learned something today.

I learned mamihlapinatapai today - it is a word from the Yaghan language.

Not only the word, I also learned its meaning. I realised how it feels, how it is, how it becomes. It wasn't for a moment, it wasn't for a second. It was awkward, it was strange, yet on second thoughts, it was fun, it was amusing.

Mamihlapinatapai refers to "the look shared by two people, each wishing that the other will offer something that they both desire but are unwilling to suggest and offer themselves".

The Guinness Book of World Records apparently lists it as "the most succinct word". I might add that it is also one of the most succinct acts. 

I have nothing else to say.