Bankruptcy – the sleep
I had a nightmare the other night, a nightmare that had a bizarre extension in real life:
Everything in my life collides. I have assignments of courses; a strange friendship to decide upon; homeworks from my language class; workshops to prepare and conduct; an unstable friendship to form; a beloved one to appreciate; a huge exam to get prepared to. It is one of those nightmares where everything happens at the same time and you try to catch and you fail and you suddenly realize that there is more and you are in panic and nothing works fine and it never gets any better and thus you fail better. It is not that these things happen in consecutive nightmares; it is a single nightmare. It is an unending nightmare, there is no way out, there are no breaks, no pauses, nothing. It gets harder and harder, panic growing geometrically.
At 5 am, I wake up by police sirens and shouting. I go to the window, look at the street, and see two cars on the road – one police car and one civilian car. The doors open. It is one of those American movie scenes: The cops hold a man on the ground, putting him in handcuffs. Sirens continue. Cops are shouting at the man. I notice other neighbors at the windows. Without the ridiculous noise, it could be considered as a rather calm scene.
I lack the energy for curiosity.
I get back to bed, try to fall asleep which I manage in 20 minutes. Then the nightmare continues as if nothing happened.
Bail-out – the reality
Therefore, I solve my problems by outsourcing them. I become an emotional Robin Hood: I take positive vibes from those who are nice and helpful to me, and consume them with those who simply don't give a shit about me.
Such an exploitation, if done sincerely enough, can be considered non-unethical to a certain degree. Or at least, I convince myself to that.
There is no limit to rationalizing stupid behavior. There is no limit to finding excuses for mistakes. There is no limit to rationalizing wrong choices. There is no limit to finding excuses for bad intentions.
I halt. I breathe. I consider. I evaluate. And I continue – business as usual. There is no way out, because there is no way in.