My eyes
are tired
of paying attention
I close my eyes
The images remain
in front me.
My eyes might be resting
yet my mind isn't.
My humanity aches.
_-_Wheat_Field_with_Crows_(1890).jpg)
Showing posts with label On understanding. Show all posts
Showing posts with label On understanding. Show all posts
Not Enough
It was a contradiction.
I was so content
to have her next to me
so lucky
to see her
to be able to hug her.
She was so sad
for a variety of reasons,
including
her dissatisfaction
with her life
which included me.
My joy turned to sadness
sharing her feelings,
and then to sorrow
as I was made to face
of my insufficiency.
Turistik hatıra
Bir eğlence parkında hasret giderebilir misin?
Bir alışveriş merkezinde
geçmişi anabilir misin?
Ya yıllar önce yaşadığın mahalle
topyekün bir turizm pazarına döndüyse?
kaldığın ev otel olduysa?
Çamaşır ipine ıslak havluları asarken
bir turist seni çok otantik bulup
fotoğrafını çekerse
bundan nostaljik bir an üretebilir misin?
Şehrin iki bin yıllık tarihi merkezinde
bir grup zengin iş insanı
bağırış çağırış ve neşeyle
paddy-paper oynarken
- ve sana yol sorarken -
kahve içebilir misin?
birine içine dökebilir misin?
Eğer bu evler
hiç kimse için
kitaplarını tuttukları yer değilse
buraya bir şehir diyebilir misin?
Presenting a proposal
They listened
approved
and applauded.
I lost hope
in that same order
because I lost the argument
in that order.
As if to verify
no one came to talk to me after.
I went back home.
Why did I talk?
Why did they listen?
Çözüm yolu
Çelişki bitti
onunla birlikte huzur da.
*
Eskiden
şüpheye düşebilirdi
- Seviyor mu beni? Sevmiyor mu?
- Mutlu mu hayatından? Değil mi?
ısrar edebilir
sorgulayabilir
tartışabilirdi.
İki zıt pozisyon oluşurdu
iki zıt pozisyon arasında bir gerilim
her iki pozisyonu destekleyen kanıtlar
görüşler
iddialar
ve duygular.
Birine doğru çekip bir tartışma başlatabilir
onu öteki pozisyonu savunmaya zorlayabilirdi.
Şüpheye düşüp, netlik talep edebilirdi.
Sorgulayıp, meseleyi ortaklaştırabilirdi.
Çelişki güven verirdi.
*
Sonra
Sonra o öldü.
O ölünce çelişecek kimse kalmadı.
İki zıt pozisyon
birbirini iterken
bir anda biri azıcık dönünce
birbirine yapışıveren
iki mıknatıs gibi
tek pozisyon oldular.
Belirsiz
çelişkisiz
yaşamsız
kendine zır tek bir pozisyon.
Gerilim bitince
kaygı başladı.
Kaygı
huzuru aldı götürdü.
On ayda
on yıl yaşlandı.
The Portuguese cutting the wrong half of the words
The public opinion is that Portuguese is a silly language. However, it begs the question of whether the Portuguese people are the silly ones, thereby making their language silly, or the language is silly by and of itself. This question of the root cause of silliness is not of paramount importance. Addressing it scientifically would imply giving the language itself to another group of people and check if in their hands the language continues to get sillier. Unfortunately, the Portuguese made this scientific experiment as part of their world plundering endeavor. So, we can compare the Portuguese Portuguese with the Brazilian Portuguese, for instance.
This minor contribution to the interdisciplinary studies on the silliness of the Portuguese language shall examine a specific aspect that increases the confusion monumentally for those who try to learn the language.
Collected Evidence
You live in the suburbs. To go to work, you will have to take a train. In Portugal, this object is called comboio. In the early times of industrialization, the Portuguese noticed that you can add or subtract wagons in and out of a train. So it was like a convoy of trains, um comboio de trens, very much like the convoys of horse-carts at the time. Later on, as trains got common, they thought this was too long to say. So they looked at the word and thought that the essential part of it was the comboio and not the trem. The reasonable Brazilians kept trem, the one that actually matters. Now in Portugal, to go to work, you have to catch a convoy and this is supposed to make sense.
You are traveling to a different city. You want to send a postcard to a friend. In all reasonable languages, the postcard would be shortened as a card – in contrast to everything else you can find a post office (paper, envelopes, cardboard boxes, etc.). The word for it in Portugal is postal. Of course the original word was cartão-postal, a direct translation from the original word. The Portuguese looked at the word, looked at the object, and thought that the distinctive part of the word was the post and not the card. So you would go to a post office and say “I want to post a post.” and somehow you would be understood by your peers.
Then you want to eat. Let’ say you eat meat. A common simple choice would be a beefsteak. What’s this word? It’s the steak of a cow. Culinary name for cattle meat is beef in English and the etymology has a long history of nobles doing noble things and fighting between the French and the English. The French nowadays say bifteck, understandably. But the Portuguese would never give in to such simplicity. They looked at the word, and they thought “what identified this meat in comparison to anything else we eat is…” that it’s beef. They called it bife. So in Portugal you can eat cutlets, you can eat loins, you can eat ribs, or alternatively you can choose bife. Now, bear with me a bit longer. As the Portuguese got rid if steak and were left with bife, they confused themselves even further. Because they figured you can do slice any kind of meat, so for instance you can slice a turkey (peru) and you would call the dish bife de peru. Their generalized confusion reached such levels that today, in Portugal, you can get a restaurant menu with bife de vaca (beef beef) as an option.
Now, let’s pretend you are not in a restaurant but in a friend’s house. You will have lunch together. Your friend asks you to set the table. You will not use a tablecloth. Instead, your friend asks you to get the placemats from the drawer. These are the individual service mats to protect the surface of the table. The Portuguese looked at these products. First and for a brief period of time, they accepted them as such and called them [serviços] individuais de mesa. But you can’t stop a proactive Portuguese person. Your friend asks which individuais you prefer to use. There are literally three words there. You could pick any of the serviço, individual and mesa. What the Portuguese thought was the most context-appropriate among them was the individual. So now you have to pick your favorite individual to eat your beef beef on.
Finally, you go to the beach. Your favorite beach activity is to play… matkot or beach padel. The game is very common but the word is less so, so let me explain. This is like beach tennis, but your rackets would be maybe smaller and you wouldn’t have a net. So you have a padel, a ball, and you hit the ball towards each other – typically played by two people. Now, as a Portuguese person, you have quite a few options. You could use the words beach, tennis or padel (which is itself of Spanish origin), but it should be short too. What would you do? Yes, of course you could say jogar raquete. No padel, no beach, nor any balls involved. You play racket. This is what the Portuguese found specific enough to describe the activity.
Do we need to actually understand this?
No. The entire Portuguese culture can be reduced to five expressions [see lecture notes here] and those expressions do not include such silliness (they carry a different class of silliness).
Conclusions
The aforementioned evidence supports the hypothesis that the Portuguese language is silly because of the Portuguese, as some of the evidence distinguishes Portugal from Brazil where the language did not get sillier once separated from the source of silliness.
More research is needed to give more solid verification for the hypothesis. Another line of research could include the lack of more contemporary words like empowerment in Portugal despite of widespread use in Brazil.
Ep.4 Reducing the entire Portuguese culture to 5 expressions
In the previous lectures, I introduced and analyzed "Pois", "Depende." and "Já agora". I demonstrated how Pois lets you dodge all opinion-based questions and how Depende. allows you to dodge fact-based questions, then went on to explain how Já agora puts you in pro-active position even though you might have limited language skills.
In this lecture, we will study a much more delicate situation about social interactions. The claim is that once the pupil understands this last concept, they can consider themselves sufficiently integrated to the Portuguese culture.
As a warm-up exercise, I invite you to consider the following situation.
You and a friend agree to meet up on Thursday at 9pm. It's 8.30pm, you may be already at the meeting place or perhaps on your way. You receive a message from your friend saying they won't come. How would that message look like?
On one end of the spectrum, you have northern European cultures, where such a thing would virtually never happen. On the other end of the spectrum, you have maybe something like North African cultures where you wouldn't receive any message - you would probably be quite late as well anyway. These extreme examples are not useful for our purposes. Try to think of more similar cultures.
One option is that informing by a message can be rude, so your friend would have to call you to explain their situation.
Another option is that the message would describe the excuse.
In Portugal and only in Portugal, "Surgiu um imprevisto" is considered a sufficient explanation.
4. "Surgiu um imprevisto"
I would translate "Surgiu um imprevisto" as "Something came up".
In Portugal, your friend would say "Something came up. I won't be able to make it to our meeting today.". (Surgiu um imprevisto, não vou poder ir hoje.)
In any other culture I am familiar with, this is the rudest possible way. I myself receive messages like this on a monthly basis. In my first few years, this was a serious concern for me: What did I do wrong? Why do these people don't give a shit about me? I am not such a bad person to discard by a message like this... What is wrong with me?
Think about the cultural shock: I am from Turkey. When you skip a meetup, you would set up an entire story as an excuse. I recall my friends explaining their mother's medical complications in detail and their friends' messed up emotional lives to me, because those were the excuses why they couldn't make it to our meetup.
In Portugal, no one cares. "Something came up." A thing. I don't have to tell you what it is. I don't have to justify anything to you. I am not coming to our meet up. Fuck you.
To be fair, you can also interpret this as a chilled-out culture where people are tolerant and understanding towards each other. In fact, it is really civilized not to ask what's wrong, and let the other person decide if and when they would be ready to tell about their problem. It is also a manifestation of a reserved culture.
Then I started testing this. And I verified that people do not trust you less because you surgiu um imprevisto them. It really is acceptable.
It is acceptable when you miss out a meeting, when you are late, when you fail a deadline, when you skip a task - basically, whenever you fail other people's expectations.
How the four expressions build up
The four expressions identified in this online course allow you to slide and flow through all kinds of day-to-day social interactions. They also allow you to deeply grasp how Portuguese people surf through their daily lives.
Look at these expressions carefully, and you will realize that key characteristics of the Portuguese culture are indeed deducible from them.
We already mentioned calm, peaceful, tolerant. subtle and reserved throughout the lectures. Now if you check travel guidebooks or online articles on Portuguese cultures, these are the keywords you will keep on encountering. And they are all concepts complex yet reducible to four expressions.
Project Finale
You may now be expecting a fifth expression.
There is none.
My claim is that if you fully comprehend the four expressions, you have it all figured out. You don't need any other expression.
However, as any other serious scientist would also do, I would apply methodological skepticism in this study, and leave a margin of error.
The margin of error would be the fifth expression. I analyzed and demonstrated how four expressions can explain the entire Portuguese culture. I myself fail to find a social situation that may not be reduced to these four expressions. I have been asking around, and other people also failed. But from a perspective of rigor, I would not publicize the results of this study as "4 expressions" but instead as "5 expressions", so as to allow for an eventual correction to the theory.
Therefore, we are finalizing this project with this article.
I hope you enjoyed the project. If you got triggered or offended, I would be proud of myself. (Any serious scientific revolution is expected to cause some discomfort after all.)
Finally, if you disagree with this reduction process, I challenge you to come up with a social situation that cannot be reduced to these cases. You can further suggest the fifth expression that would complement the theory.
Ep.3 Reducing the entire Portuguese culture to 5 expressions
In the previous lectures, I covered the two Portuguese expressions that can guide my pupils through at least three quarters of the daily life situations in Portugal.
In this lecture, I will introduce another expression, which will take you to an advanced level of social interactions.
3. "Já agora"
This may come a little surprising to people who know the language, but what do I care? It was also surprising to you when I said I would reduce the entire Portuguese culture into five expressions.
I can hear your objections already. Já agora translates to by the way, which is a very common expression in virtually all languages. So why highlight it as an authentically Portuguese phenomenon? I will teach you now.
First of all, in all cultures I am familiar with (which are quite a few, although a tiny minority in the world), the usage of by the way is allowed only after you finish a line of thought. If you are telling a story, you are expected to first finish your story and only then add a side note with a by the way; if you are having a conversation, you are expected to first respond to the question at hand and only then add a new subject.
What is original is that in Portugal you can start an email with já agora. People who have been in active mailing lists can testify for this phenomenon: There is an email thread about a collaborative text, then someone goes "Já agora, how did the meeting with the artists go?". And everyone replies! Which says that this is socially acceptable way of introducing an irrelevant subject.
Better still, you can interrupt a real life conversation among friends with já agora and just talk about whatever you wanted to talk about.
For the first few years, when this happened, I would start laughing out loud because I was reminded of the "And now for something completely different" in Monty Python's Flying Circus.
Then, I got used to it.
Upgrading your social skills
Now that we established its social license, let us analyze why Já agora is so important in Portugal?
Because it upgrades your social skills from passive to active, from defensive to offensive.
Imagine the following situation: You speak little Portuguese. You are with some friends and you want to tell a story. You understand absolutely nothing of what they are talking about, but using Pois and Depende. you are capable of dodging opinion-based as well as fact-based questions. (See previous lectures.) But besides accompanying the conversation, you really want to tell what happened at the dinner party the other night.
In any other country, you would have to wait for the conversation to end with an explicit silent moment (unless you understand the subject and find a way of smoothly shifting the focus). In Portugal, you only need já agora. Insert já agora at any point, and voila! You magically created a socially legitimate context to start telling your story.
To sum up: If you grasp the scope and functionality of já agora fully and correctly, you can be proactive - in addition to the more defensive strategies of depende. and pois.
If you want to "be a local", I highly recommend the "Pois. [pause 1 second] Já agora." combination, where you not only introduce your topic out of nowhere but also acknowledge everything that was said before.
At the test period of this project, I personally tested the power of já agora in various situations. To name a few, it worked in a family dinner, during a chat with friends, in an official meeting, at the public administration office, and in the health center. I was giving a talk on climate science and I literally jumped from topic to topic using já agora twice. Later I asked for feedback from the audience and people thought that my presentation was coherent.
I strongly recommend the class to practice it wisely. Já agora is not equal to by the way. It is much more subtle and has much more cultural functions. An overdose may harm your social relations.
To conclude, we now have three expressions that not only cover an overwhelming majority of all social interactions but also give you defensive as well as offensive tools of conversation. In the next lesson, we will enter into more delicate situations.
Ep.2 Reducing the entire Portuguese culture to 5 expressions
Last week, I introduced my personal project of reducing the entire Portuguese daily-life interactions into five basic expressions. I also introduced the first of these expressions, pois, and explained its wide and encompassing use. I finished by saying that "most of Portuguese social life, around 50% of all the essentials, is just understanding and using pois. The rest is all optional."
In this lecture I would like to introduce another very important Portuguese phenomenon.
2. "Depende."
While sometimes used in a slightly longer form ("Isso depende."), this sentence, directly and easily translatable to "It depends." or "Depends." has one uniquely Portuguese aspect:
It has a period at the end.
You ask a simple, straightforward question to a Portuguese person. Let's think. Something like: "Would you like to go to the movies?" or "Wanna go to this bar?" or "What are your holiday plans?" or "How much would a university graduate earn in Lisbon?". Then you get an answer:
"It depends."
And this bizarre non-answer is socially acceptable.
Depends on what? If it depends on X or Y, how does it depend on them?
The Portuguese person cannot be bothered with such technicalities. It depends. Period.
Now, if you actually wanted an answer, the Portuguese person will not let you get it so quickly. I had a real-life example which at first was a bit annoying but it slowly turned outright hilarious.
Me getting a ride from a friend: How long do you think we take to get there?
Friend: It depends.
Me: ??
Friend: ...
Me: Depends on what?
Friend: Pois olha, if there is traffic, we may take quite a while. If the roads are empty, we would be pretty quick. With this rain, there may also be an accident.
Me: ????
Friend: ...
Me: Yeah okay, but that's all obvious. I actually need to know this to plan the rest of my day.
Friend: Pois.
Me: ????!!!!
Friend: ...
Me: I mean, if there is traffic, will be take, like, seven hours?
Friend: NO! Que disparate! We would never take that long.
Me: So, how long at most? Five hours?
Friend: Pá, if there is an accident the whole can take four hours.
Me: Great. Now, if the roads are all empty, how long to we take? One hour?
Friend: NO! There's no way we can get there in an hour.
Me: OK, so... two hours? (trying not to laugh out loud)
Friend: Once I did this trip at night, with no cars, it took me like two-and-a-half hours, maybe a bit more.
Me: Wonderful. Thanks, let me text my friends.
True story.
What's the moral here?
As you may remember, Pois acts as a void answer that may mean affirmation, rejection, neither or both. (See previous lecture.) It allows you to avoid giving any opinion in a socially acceptable way.
Depende. (always with a dot throughout these lecture notes), on the other hand, allows you to avoid giving factual information in a socially acceptable way.
And I am serious: Portuguese people actually take "Depende." as a full answer and move on to a different subject without hesitation. It really is socially acceptable.
So if you want to get information, you really have to be persistent and patient. But if you don't want to get information or you simply don't want to think about the question, you can just randomly shoot "Isso depende." and you are juuuuust fine.
When I noticed the power of "Depende.", I was astonished. Initially, I used to think "They just don't care! And they are okay with each other not caring!"; but then I realized something else:
Application of reduction
You may have heard that Portuguese people are always very calm and peaceful. They even made an armed revolution without using the arms! It is true that Portuguese culture is probably one of the most peaceful and chilled cultures in the world.
But how does it work? How come the Portuguese are always so calm? (Just next door, Spanish are so not famous for calmness.)
The equation "Pois + Depende." is your answer.
The entire culture allows you to not give a shit about neither opinions nor facts! You can dodge literally anything that can give you the slightest discomfort. Voila! The calmness is a linear combination of Pois and Depende. .
Thereby, we solved one of the long-lasting mysteries of the Portuguese culture by the rigorous application of only two expressions.
In my next lecture, I will address some of the remaining aspects of the Portuguese daily-life, although I should warn you: very little cultural content is left that is not covered by these two expressions.
The entire Portuguese culture reduced to 5 expressions
In today's lecture, I would like to introduce the five expressions that can explain the entire Portuguese culture.
With these five expressions, you can comprehend and engage in all kinds of day-to-day social interactions. Many Portuguese people are not aware of the power and scope of these expressions, although they do admit their common use.
1. "Pois."
This is a lifesaver. It is somewhere around "right!", "right?", "well..." and "well?". It is neither of them and it is all of them. (It can also be used as "because".)
But besides its meaning, it has one power that no other expression in any language has: Lets the conversation flow no matter what. Here's how:
When you are a foreigner and you are talking about a sophisticated subject or interacting with a child or an elderly, sometimes you don't understand what is being said. In such cases, unless it is important, it is generally considered kind to just nod, smile or say something like "yeah", "right", etc. None of this works if the speaker poses a Yes/No question. You cannot nod, you cannot smile, you cannot say "yes" until understanding the question. But you can always say "Pois.", and the speaker will continue with his/her story.
It's like a void affirmation.
In my first few years in Portugal, I was very reluctant to engage in conversations with strangers because of my lack of language skills. Then I discovered the power of pois. I still had extremely limited vocabulary, a messy and improvised grammar, and extremely narrow experience in listening, but I had pois! I managed having full conversations with the locals in the south, in the interior, in the north, in cities, in villages, everywhere... Yes, I admit that I understood maybe a third of what that alentejana old lady told me, but she doesn't know that! And I did understand the essential: her children living abroad and visiting only very seldom. I didn't catch their profession, their ages, etc. but who cares: it was just a chitchat in a pastelaria where we had a coffee in passing. I didn't have to constantly stop her speech to ask for repetition. It was a pleasant moment for both of us.
But this is just the beginning. Here is an opposite situation:
(Me in Social Security office asking for a document)
Me: So, I need this number to enroll to my university.
Lady in the counter: Well but you need to bring us your income proof first.
Me: My income will be a scholarship. I will take care of that right after enrolling to the university.
Lady in the counter: Okay but we need the income document to give you the Social Security number.
Me: ??
Lady in the counter: ...
Me: But I cannot get the scholarship without enrolling to a university, and I cannot enroll without this number. So I need the number to get my income.
Lady in the counter: Pois.
If this looks surreal, you can confirm with your Portuguese friends... even better if you talk to immigrants in Portugal.
Please read the above dialogue carefully: this is a void denial.
So the same word can work for answering anything, to the extent that you can evade a Yes/No question by simply affirming the speaker's point, as well as not answering anything, to the extent that you can evade a direct, objective question. The same word is for void affirmation and for void denial.
Pois is so void that it fits everywhere and resolves everything.
I told my Portuguese friends about this multi-functionality and they all responded: Pois!
When I started this "personal project"
of reducing the Portuguese culture into five expression, the real
challenge was: what in the Portuguese culture is not covered by pois? What social situation may not be explained by pois? So my problem was not to get enough expressions to cover all the situations, but to look for situations that are not covered by pois. I found a few, but I should admit: most of Portuguese social life, around 50% of all the essentials, is just understanding and using pois. The rest is all optional.
Next time, I will tell you the second expression.
Seçenek / Choice
İnsanlık karşında oturuyor. Seçim yapma günü. Soruyorsun: "Sosyalizm mi barbarlık mı?" Düşünüyori diyor ki "Ay sosyalizm olmasın da..."
*
Humanity seated on the chair in front of you, up for making the decision. You ask: "Socialism, or barbarism?" Thinks it over and says "Well, anything but socialism..."
Logical deconstruction of a moment
He looked at her like
someone who knew what he wanted.
From her look, to him, it
was not clear, to him, whether she thought that he looked at her like
someone who knew what he wanted, or not, while, in the affirmative
case, that is, in the case that she thought he looked at her like
someone who knew what he wanted, it was not clear, to him, whether
she believed that the look was for real, for, even when one looks at
someone else, at her in this case, like someone who knows what he
wants, it does not necessarily follow that he actually knows what he
wants,
However, it was important
for him, how she felt, or thought. (Not that it was not important for
her, how she felt, or thought, for it was probable that it was, but
this case is beyond the scope of this analysis.) It was important for
him, how she felt, or thought, as he, once having known how she felt,
or thought, would act according to this information. This is why he
studied, in a moment's duration, each of the mentioned cases, and how
he should act in each of the cases, in order to determine the best
action to pursue, given that he did not have the information of how
she felt, or thought.
If she thought that he
looked at her like someone who knew what he wanted, yet that he
actually did not know what he wanted but only pretended to know what
he wanted, then, provided that she tracked this observation until its
logical consequences, as he did, she would conclude, as he did, that
he was pretending to be self-confident, which could most probably
cause her to introduce a further distance between them – as there
was already a distance between them, for historical reasons –, as
it is generally considered preferable to keep a distance with someone
who is considered, by the person in question, pretentious, and this
would make the problem almost unsolvable, except if she had a
preconception of him, which implied, or was, that he pretended to be
self-confident for good intentions, for reasons unknown, in which
case she could consider excusing, or at least ignoring, his
condition. He concluded that, in this case, except when it was the
exceptional sub-case mentioned just now, he would reach a dead end.
Therefore, his only hope, in this case, to continue in any positive
direction, was the small probability that she had a preconception of
him, which implied, or was, that he pretended to be self-confident
for good intentions, for reasons unknown, and, after calculating this
probability to be infinitesimal, he moved on to the other cases.
If she thought that he
looked at her like someone who knew what he wanted, that he did not
know what he wanted, but thought he knew what he wanted, then,
provided that she tracked this observation until its logical
consequences, as he did, she would conclude, as he did, that he was
deluded or confused, about what he wanted, which could most probably
cause her to hesitate to express her feelings, or thoughts, seeing
that he was not reliable. He concluded that, in this case, he would
reach a dead end, unless he could find another way, a way different
than looking at her like someone who knows what he wants, to continue
the conversation towards a positive direction, in which she would
feel comfortable to express her feelings, or thoughts. Given that she
already had grounds for hesitating to express her feelings, or
thoughts, he calculated the probability of him finding another way to
continue the conversation towards a direction in which she would feel
comfortable to express her feelings or thoughts, in such a way to
neutralize the negative effects already caused by his look and then
further create a positive and motivating ambiance – seeing that he
was not a conversant person – to be infinitesimal, and moved on to
the next cases.
If she did not think he
looked at her like someone who knew what he wanted, then, most
probably, she would have to assign a meaning to his look, a meaning
different from the one he intended – which effort it is not obvious
she would make, but will be assumed in this analysis. He remarked
that if she assigned a different meaning to his look than the one he
intended, namely, to give the impression that he knew what he wanted,
then it would be almost impossible, for him, to guess correctly what
that meaning would be, nor what consequences this meaning would have
on her attitude towards him. He concluded, therefore, that the only
way out, for him, was, for him to continue the conversation in
another direction, and hope to reach safer grounds, unless he could
find a way to infer the meaning she assigned to his look, in order to
follow her line of thought, about him, to create a positive
impression on her, but this last option, of inferring the meaning she
assigned to his look, seemed highly improbable to him. He calculated
the probability of him continuing the conversation in a direction to
reach safer grounds to be infinitesimal, and moved on to the last
case.
If she thought he looked
at her like someone who did not know what he wanted, which, as
mentioned before, was the worst case considered, by him, in this
analysis, then this would most probably imply, for her, that he, not
knowing what he wanted, was not worth the conversation. He concluded
that, in this case, he would reach a dead end, unless he could find another way to demonstrate, to her, that he was someone who knows
what he wants. Seeing that, under the assumptions of this case, he
would have failed to show her that he was someone who knows what he
wants, by looking, at her, like someone who knows what he wants, he
calculated the probability of him finding another, and more
effective, way of demonstrating her that he knew what he wanted, to
be infinitesimal.
Considering all the cases
carefully, using infinitesimal calculus, and ignoring the Bayes'
theorem of probability (whereby he restricted his final results to
the cases where he did not reach a dead end), he decided to open a
conversation, as unrelated to his look at her, like someone who knows
what he wants, as possible.
This desperate attempt,
as well as its consequences, are beyond the scope of this analysis.
Suffice it to say here that it was not related to what he wanted.
Okuyalım anlayalım.
131101
Bir kitap. Onu anlatıyormuş. Yaşadıklarını, düşündüklerini, tartıştıklarını. Kendi iyi, çevirisi kötü bir kitap - tıpkı duygularım gibi.
Okumalıymışım kitabı, neler hissettiğini anlamak için. Kitabı okumalıymışım, ondaki değişimleri gözlemleyebilmek için.
Kitabı, okudum, anladım. Kitapta yok yok: siyaset, yaşam tarzı, aşk, ilişkilenme, konformizm, felsefe... Yazar karakterleri değil, karakterler kitabı yönetiyorlar; bu iyi.
Kitapta yok var: Kitapta, ben, yokum.
Okudum kitabı. Anladım.
Sözün Bittiği Yer
130107
Sözün bittiği yerdeyiz. Yani kimsenin dinlemeye tenezzül etmediği, anlatmanın boşuna bir çabaya dönüştüğü, böylece söylemenin bittiği yerdeyiz.
Sözün bittiği yerdeyiz. Geçmişin geleceğinde, geçmişte verilen sözlerin çöpe atıldığı andayız.
Sözün bittiği yerdeyiz. Anlatmaya değmezi yaşıyoruz. Yalanın bini bir para olmuş, tüm geçmişin baştan yazıldığı, böylece şimdinin beş kuruş etmez hale sokulduğu yerdeyiz.
Bir masalın son sayfasındayız. Son sayfa, koparılmış.
AMANDA: You are the only young man that I know of who ignores the fact
that the future becomes the present, the present the past, and the past
turns into everlasting regret if you don't plan for it!
TOM: I will think that over and see what I can make of it.
Glass Menagerie - Tennessee Williams
Abbreviated
I learned something today.
I learned mamihlapinatapai today - it is a word from the Yaghan language.
Not only the word, I also learned its meaning. I realised how it feels, how it is, how it becomes. It wasn't for a moment, it wasn't for a second. It was awkward, it was strange, yet on second thoughts, it was fun, it was amusing.
Mamihlapinatapai refers to "the look shared by two people, each wishing that the other will offer something that they both desire but are unwilling to suggest and offer themselves".
The Guinness Book of World Records apparently lists it as "the most succinct word". I might add that it is also one of the most succinct acts.
I have nothing else to say.
Elicitation
Curtain.
Two players at the center of the stage,
facing away each other.
Long silence. Music starts.
+ I am confused. I need time.
- Why do people think that they would
resolve their confusions by time? You will just forget them.
+ All the better.
- But you will also forget me in the
meanwhile.
+ Well, if this is what it takes...
- I understand now.
+ No you don't. You think this is about
you. You will never understand.
- Oh, is it a general attitude?
+ Would you believe me if I said yes?
- Not really.
+ You see? Your egocentrism prevents
you from comprehending a natural indifference.
- A natural indifference?
+ Oh, please don't start again.
- But I really want to understand. I
want to be able to act, to play, to join in. I want to feel peaceful
when I'm among other people. You have to tell me about it.
Silence.
- Come on, don't do this to me. We can
talk. I am almost ready to get convinced. Tell me how it works.
+ I am confused. I need time.
Music stops.
Curtain.
Cemreleri müjdeleyen şiir
Bir şeyler ters gitse,
aklıma sen geliyorsun;
neşelensem,
aklıma sen geliyorsun;
kederlensem,
sen;
heyecanlandığımda,
sen...
Ne tuhaf,
hiçbir şey yazamaz,
yazmadan duramaz oldum;
aylardan Nisan da değil halbuki daha..
What is a conversation?
111207
This is not a conversation:
I must – I have to – I should – I want to – I should – (okay) – I should demand – I should ask – I should tell – (no) – you should tell – you have to tell – (no no) – I want you to tell – I need you to tell – to say – to explain – I need you to explain – we – we – we – we have to talk – it would be nice – (good) – it would be nice – it would be great if we – it would be great if you could – it would be great if we could – (very good) – it would be great if we could talk about – about – about... – (damn) – it would be great if we could talk about how... you – …about how we... will – (where was I) – it would be nice – great – it would be great if we could talk about how we will – how you think we could – we would – (very good) – it would be great if we could talk about how you think we would – (damn, I give up).
This is a conversation:
+ What are you thinking about?
- Nothing.
How not to have sex
111106
How not to have sex
Start.
“What does she want? What was the message of that touch? Am I being pushy? Should I continue? Should I not continue? Should I stop? Give a small break? What should I do? How should I do it? When? Is this okay? Am I too fast? Am I too slow? Wait; am I capable of understanding her reactions? Am I overreading her reactions? What did she mean by this? Did she mean anything? Does she mean anything? What do I want? Does it accord with what she wants? What does she want? Am I misinterpreting things? Is she okay? - “How do you feel?” - Damn it. Do I look ridiculous? How do I look? Am I too fat? Am I too thin? This is irrelevant. Concentrate. But on what? What does she expect me to do? What did she expect me to do? Am I being satisfactory? Should I slow down? Do I feel okay? Am I going to regret any of this? Am I being consistent with myself? How am I going to feel about this? How do I feel right now? Does she have any preferences? How can I get to know about it? Should I ask? When should I ask? How to ask? Maybe it's better to ask later? But later can be too late. Am I disappointing her? Am I disappointing myself? This is most certainly not how I imagined it. How did I imagine it? I didn't imagine myself overthinking, that's a fact. So, shouldn't I think? How much of this nonsense does she realize? What would she think? Would she empathize? Could she empathize with such ineptness? What would she like? What does she like? What does she want? Does she like this? Do I look too nervous? Am I too nervous? What should I do next?”
Halt.
“For sure, I will regret this.”
Rewind. Repeat.
(to be improvised with particularised acts and feelings)
Dirty Talk - Yatak Muhabbeti
Dirty Talk
100624
The scene: No one is to use any body language whatsoever. No mimics, no gestures. All players are dressed the same and they have the same make-up, so that they are indistinguishable. In a quasi-existent living room, a finite but uncountably many women sit on chairs that are half black - half white. (It's not the women that are black and white. It's each chair that is weirdly painted into black and white.) [The women talk in a random order, the numbers are only in order to simplify the reading.]
Man enters from left.
M: Yes, definitely.
2: What?
M: Not much.
2: (turns to another woman) Do you know what he is talking about?
3: Well...
2: Do you?
3: He's probably trying to say he's willing to and insistent on having sex with us.
4: (surprised) How do you know that?
2: She doesn't.
4: What do you mean?
2: She doesn't know. It's called an “educated guess”.
4: I see.
3: So you think I'm right?
2: Of course. (turns to the 4th) You guessed otherwise?
4: Well, no. But, how is it that we all guess the same thing.
2: We are all educated?
4: I see. But, another educated guess would be that he would try to keep it secret. He just said it out loud, didn't he?
(They all look at each other. They then look at the man, suspecting.)
3: Maybe we are wrong.
2: I don't think so. Do you think we should ask him?
4: Yes.
2: Do you want to have sex with us?
M: Yes, definitely.
(They are shocked.)
5: What's wrong with him?
6: Is he drunk or what?
2: (angry) How could you dare to say that? You don't know the rules?
5: We must stop this nonsense.
3: But how?
(They get together, discuss the matter whispering. They suddenly stop talking. Silence. The 5th gets up, approaches the man.)
5: We don't want to have sex with you.
M: Yes, definitely.
5: What?
M: I already know that?
(She hesitates, turns back to the group. They start whispering again. The 6th gets up, approaches the man.)
6: How did you know this?
M: (Tries to figure out how to explain.) The same way you know that I want to have sex with you.
6: But....
(She hesitates, turns back to the group. They start whispering again. They all get up, approach the man.)
Altogether: We don't want to have sex with you.
M: Yes?
2: You can't just say “Yes” to that.
M: (Shyly) Okay...
Altogether: We think you are a threat to our community.
M: Well, yes, definitely.
3: (frustrated) Look! We will not have sex with you. So, just stop hitting on us.
M: Was I hitting on you?
(3 hesitates, takes a glance at the other women, takes courage and a deep breath.)
3: You just said “Yes, definitely.”
M: Well, yes; but before that, you already “guessed” what I was up to.
3: That's correct.
M: So, which comes first: my behavior or your guess?
3: I... don't know.
4: (interrupts) But you still want to sleep with us, right?
M: Yes, definitely.
4: You never learn, do you?
M: Not much. Do you?
(The women go back to their seats. They start thinking. The man stares at their legs.)
2: What should we do?
5: I have an idea. Let's ask him. (turns to the man) What could we do to stop you?
M: Stop me? Stop my doing what?
5: Stop your hitting on us.
M: But I wasn't !
5: But you just said you wanted to have sex with us !
M: Yes but you just asked me if I do..
5: (hesitates) All right. (tries to calm down) What should we do so that you don't want to have sex with us?
M: (surprised) Why would you ever want that?
(They are shocked. Two of them fall down from their chairs. They start yelling and shouting. Some of them get up and start running around. Total chaos. Some start crying. Then they suddenly stop. Long silence.)
3: This is getting too disturbing.
2: This is immoral.
M: (getting angry) No it isn't. It is amoral !
2: What? You don't have a right to find us attractive and just say it as it is ! Don't you know the rules?
M: But, I was just saying what I already feel. Isn't this more.... honest?
Altogether: Aha!
They close their eyes. Ten soldiers with shotguns enter from left, headed by their captain. They take the man and leave from right. The women get up, leave from left one by one. Sounds of gunfire. Curtain.
Note: The story is not as surrealistic as it might appear. I think this might be the most realistic story I've ever scratched. As a matter of fact, I believe it is about to occur in real life once I find the chance. (This note and the whole story were meant to agitate the people related. I hopelessly hope to get some reactions.)
Yatak muhabbeti
100624
Sahne: Sahne boyunca kimse beden dili kullanmayacak. Mimik, bedenin herhangi bir yerini kullanarak duygu aktarımı yok. Tüm oyuncular -birbirlerinden ayırt edilemeyecekleri şekilde- aynı giyinmiş ve aynı makyaja sahip olmalıdır. Yarı-var bir oturma odasında, sınırlı ancak sayılamaz çoklukta siyah-beyaz kadın sandalyelerde oturmaktadır. (Kadınlar tesadüfi sırada konuşacaktır, metindeki numaralandırma sadece okuyucuya kolaylık olması için tasarlanmıştır.)
Erkek soldan girer.
M: Evet, kesinlikle.
2: Ne?
M: Hiç.
2: (diğer kadına döner) Neden bahsettiğini biliyor musun?
3: Yani...
2: Yani?
3: Muhtemelen bizimle sevişme konusunda istekli ve ısrarcı olduğunu anlatmaya çalışıyordur.
4: (şaşkınlıkla) Nereden biliyorsun?
2: Bilmiyor.
4: Ne demek istiyorsun?
2: Bilmiyor. "Akıllı tahmin" deniyor buna.
4: Anladım.
3: Yani haklı olduğumu düşünüyorsun?
2: Elbette. (4'e dönerek) Sen başka bir şey mi tahmin ediyordun?
4: Yoo. Ama nasıl oluyor da hepimiz aynı şeyi tahmin ediyoruz?
2: Bizler... akıllıyız?
4: Anlıyorum. Ama, başka bir akıllı tahmin de bunu gizleyeceğine dair olabilirdi. Oysa o pat diye söyleyiverdi, değil mi?
(Birbirlerine bakarlar. Sonra da şüpheyle adama bakarlar.)
3: Belki de haksızız.
2: Sanmam. Kendisine soralım mı?
4: Evet.
2: Bizimle sevişmek istiyor musun?
M: Evet, kesinlikle.
(Şoke olurlar.)
5: Bunun nesi var?
6: Sarhoş falan mı acaba?
2: (kızgınlıkla) Ne yüzle böyle bir laf edersin? Kuralları bilmiyor musun?
5: Bu saçmalığa bir son vermenin zamanı geldi geçiyor.
3: Ama nasıl?
(Bir araya gelirler, fısıldaşarak tartışmaya başlarlar. Aniden susarlar. Sessizlik. 5 kalkıp adama yaklaşır.)
5: Biz seninle sevişmek istemiyoruz.
M: Evet, kesinlikle.
5: Ne?
M: Ben bunu biliyordum zaten?
(Duraksar, grubun yanına döner. Yeniden fısıldaşmaya başlarlar. 6 kalkar, adama yaklaşır.)
6: Bunu nereden bildin?
M: (Nasıl açıklayacağını düşünür.) Siz benim sizinle sevişmek istediğimi nereden biliyorsanız aynı şekilde..
6: Ama....
(Duraksar, grubun yanına döner. Bir kez daha fısıldaşmaya başlarlar. Birlikte ayağa kalkıp adama yaklaşırlar.)
Hep beraber: Biz seninle sevişmek istemiyoruz.
M: Evet?
2: Buna öylece "Evet" diyemezsin.
M: (utana sıkıla) Peki...
Hep beraber: Bizim için bir tehdit oluşturduğunu düşünüyoruz.
M: Yani, evet, kesinlikle.
3: (kızgınlıkla) Bana bak! Seninle sevişmeyeceğiz. Bize sarkıntılık etmekten vazgeç.
M: Size sarkıntılık mı ediyordum?
(3 tereddüt eder, diğer kadınlara göz atar, cesaretini toplar, derin bir nefes alır.)
3: Daha demin "Evet, kesinlikle" dedin.
M: Yani, evet; ama ondan önce siz çoktan benim neyin peşimde olduğumu "tahmin" etmiştiniz.
3: Doğru.
M: Ee, hangisi önce geliyor: benim davranışım mı, sizin tahmininiz mi?
3: Bilmiyorum....
4: (sözünü keserek) Ama sonuçta bizimle yatmak istiyorsun, değil mi?
M: Evet, kesinlikle.
4: Asla öğrenmeyeceksin, değil mi?
M: Sanmam. Peki siz?
(Kadınlar yerlerine döner ve düşünmeye başlarlar. Adam kadınların bacaklarına bakar.)
2: Ne yapmamız lazım?
5: Benim bir fikrim var; kendisine soralım. (adama dönerek) Seni nasıl durdurabiliriz?
M: Beni durdurmak mı? Neyimi durduracaksınız benim?
5: Bize sarkıntılık etmeni.
M: E ama etmiyordum ki !
5: Ama daha demin bizimle sevişmek istediğini söyledin !
M: Siz isteyip istemediğimi sordunuz da ondan dedim...
5: (duraksar) İyi peki. (sakinleşmeye çalışarak) Ne yapmalıyız ki bizimle sevişmek istemekten vazgeçesin?
M: (şaşkınlıkla) Böyle bir şeyi neden isteyesiniz ki?
(Şoke olurlar. İkisi sandalyeden düşer. Bağırıp çağırmaya başlarlar. Bazıları ayağa kalkıp ortalıkta koşuşmaya başlar. Tam bir kaos. Bazıları ağlamaya başlar. Aniden dururlar. Uzun sessizlik.)
3: Fazla sinir bozucu olmaya başladı.
2: Bu ahlaksızca.
M: (sinirlenerek) Hiç de değil. Bu ahlak dışı !
2: Ne? Bizi çekici bulup bunu öylecene söylemeye hakkın var mı sanıyorsun sen? Kuralları bilmiyor musun?
M: İyi ama, sadece hissettiğim şeyi söylüyordum. Bu daha... dürüst... değil mi?
Hep beraber: Aha!
Gözlerini kapatırlar. On asker, başlarında komutanlarıyla ve ellerinde tüfeklerle soldan girerler. Adamı alıp sağdan çıkarlar. Kadınlar kalkıp soldan çıkarlar. Silah sesleri. Perde.
Not: Bu metin ilk bakışta görüldüğü kadar gerçeküstü değil. Bugüne kadar yumurtladığım en gerçekçi öykü olabilir hatta. Esasında, ilk fırsatta bunun gerçek hayatta vuku bulacağına inanıyorum. (Bu not ve tüm bu metin, ilgili kişileri kışkırtmak amacıyla yazıldı. Umutsuzca, tepki almayı umuyorum.)
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